Have you heard of the Austin Love Doctor™? Dr. Emily Porter is a sexual wellness doctor in Austin, specializing in helping men and women have more satisfying and fulfilling sex lives.Dr. Porter hosts a regular podcast where she shares her expertise and advice on sexual wellness and relationships.In this episode (transcript below), she discusses her suggestions for having an amazing sex life in your thirties and beyond.
Charles Runels: The Austin Love Doctor, episode 12, How To Have Great Sex with Your Partner at Age 30, 40, 50, 60 and Beyond. This is Dr. Charles Runels, inventor of the O-Shot, and thank you for joining Dr. Emily Porter, the Austin Love Doctor, as she openly discusses your most intimate questions regarding relationships, sex, and personal wellness through the eyes of a medical doctor who treats men and women for a variety of sexual issues, using the latest medical advancements available. Get comfortable, relax, and welcome your host, Dr. Emily Porter.
Emily Porter: Hi there. It’s Dr. Emily Porter, the Austin Love Doctor. Today I’m going to share a case study from a couple of my patients or clients who I have been treating and who have an amazing relationship. They’re in their 50s, and this is coming from her. She knows I asked for questions, then she wrote me and said, “I don’t have any questions, but I wanted to let you know that if you need any input from couples that have a great sex life, I can help with that. I’ve been married for over 25 years, and we have wonderful sex. It’s changed over the years, and I think that is what makes it so good.”
>Emily Porter: She said that she has a friend of over 40 years who is getting divorced from her husband because the husband doesn’t like to have sex anymore and that there’s a disconnect that she can’t deal with. And they were married for 26 years. So that makes me kind of sad, and that’s part of what this whole thing is about.
Emily Porter: Anna and Dave, obviously not their real names, I’ve been treating both of them for a couple of years with testosterone, so the first thing I would say is you have to have a libido. You can’t have great sex if you don’t have any drive at all, so optimizing testosterone is really important for both men and for women. You feel better, and when you feel better, not only does it affect libido, but you just have more energy and just kind of feel better overall. And then testosterone alone can reduce erectile dysfunction. I’ve definitely had men in their 30s and 40s who have had erectile dysfunction, and it’s gone away completely just with testosterone. So optimizing testosterone levels for both men and women, for libido and then also will improve orgasm for both men and women, and there’s some evidence behind that.
Emily Porter: Here’s what she said. She said he gets testosterone shots, and she gets the EvexiPEL bioidentical hormone pellets, so testosterone and also estrogen, because she’s been through menopause. It’s not painful, because she’s not having problems with lubrication. That’s the other thing, you have to feel good and have a desire, but then also, if sex is painful, then nobody is going to want to have it. Okay, so she said in their 20s, basically, they couldn’t get enough sex. They had high libidos, it wasn’t an issue, but that they didn’t really do anything out of the ordinary. They didn’t use any toys. They just were with each other and just kind of what she describes as sort of quote-unquote normal sex, probably normal being relative to that’s what you know in your 20s.
Emily Porter: In their 30s, she said, “probably our most boring sex.” They were raising kids, they were working long hours. Dave started watching porn, which she said she really hated and all but banned it. She got a subscription to Playgirl, and then she says, “Talk about the double standard.” And of course, Dave was fine with that. “I think sex in our 30s was more difficult for me, the woman. It’s never been an issue for Dave. Typical man wants it all the time. We always talked openly about how we were feeling and what makes us feel good.” The conversation is really important, and open communication. “We tried to have sex three times a week and actually had to schedule nights when we would, to be sure we would, otherwise we wouldn’t.”
Emily Porter: And I do have another podcast episode called Spaghetti Night. It’s talking about that and how important that is. And even though it sounds boring to schedule it, and you think you want to have spontaneous sex, but it just doesn’t happen when you’re busy. And so a schedule holds people accountable.
Emily Porter: She said, “We would ship the kids off to Grandma or a friend’s house when we could.” And I think that’s important. They’re in their 50s. I’m in my 30s, and we’ve actually paid for a sitter just to watch our kids for a weekend so that we could stay home, and that was amazing because you’re not even going anywhere, you just want to be home. But having time alone is really, really important, and it’s an investment in your marriage.
Emily Porter: They tried all new things, a sex swing, they started using vibrators, they were having sex outside. They own 10 acres, where they were free to do all of that without getting seen. They went to hotels, they role-played at a bar, all the funny cheesy stuff you can think of.
Emily Porter: Now, in their 40s, they said the kids were gone, so they fell deeper in love, which is great, right? They didn’t empty nest, they actually fell deeper in love. I think part of that is that they maintained that open communication and they had sex with each other throughout their 30s, so they still knew who each other was when the kids left. After the initial shock of having an empty house, they fell deeper in love. Dave started using testosterone cream in his mid-40s. I think he started realizing that his drive was going down, and he wanted to do something about it.
Emily Porter: She said, “I started having issues in my mid-40s as well, and I couldn’t find a doctor to give me anything but antidepressants.” That’s a whole other conversation about women saying they have low libido, they don’t feel like having sex anymore, they just don’t feel right, and them getting on antidepressants, which actually worsen libido, and it’s just the testosterone imbalance. I’ll save that for another podcast because that deserves its own episode. But that’s very common, and then antidepressants worsen libido and drive and sexual response.
Emily Porter: So she said, “I used Dave’s testosterone cream, until I finally found a ‘holistic doctor’ that would prescribe a compounded testosterone-estrogen cream. We bought different toys in this decade, dildoes, dildos with vibrators, et cetera. In my late 40s, I started watching porn. No idea why it has a different feel to it now. I want to watch it, and I don’t feel like Dave is hiding in the back room watching it. I feel like it threatened me in my 30s, and now I don’t. We still have sex at least three times a week, and we make an effort to do so. It might not be as spontaneous, but it is still just as good. We try all different kinds of positions, and we have sex all over the house. Dave is very good at making sure I have an orgasm. He’s always been that way. We still talk openly about our sex.”
Emily Porter: “In our 50s,” she said, “I just turned 50, but I’m more in love with Dave as the years tick by. I have no reason to think our sex life will stall out. I’m assuming it will continue to be as good as it has always been.” So that’s her perspective. I would say to summarize, scheduling, communication, making it a priority, and just being open to sex and kind of experimenting, as well as making sure that there’s a libido for both people.
Emily Porter: So from Dave, and I love that I got his perspective too, and I’m very thankful to these two for getting me this. He says, “My first goal in having sex is to make sure that Anna has an orgasm. Not until then do I have an orgasm. That has just worked for us. There are a few occasions when I ‘go first’, but the point is that we are both engaged in each other’s orgasm, since that’s the point of sex, right?” And I love that because that’s a true partnership.
Emily Porter: “Sometimes it goes like this. I have an orgasm, then I will help Anna have an orgasm with a dildo or fingers, while she’s using a vibrator on herself. Works every time. Other times I wait for her to orgasm, always with her self-stimulating with a vibrator. Then I have an orgasm. This method takes some control, which I have mastered over our 30 years of lovemaking. Rotating positions and places helps a lot too, even multiple positions during one lovemaking session. I also think intentionally daydreaming about sex helps, imagining what positions you will try next, et cetera.”
Emily Porter: I think a key point here is that they both are valuing the other person’s pleasure, and they’re not making it just about themselves, which is really cool. They’re also getting to know each other’s bodies because they’ve been together for 30 years. The other thing I found great here was that I think a man in his 50s is not threatened by her using her fingers or a vibrator, and that just comes with maturity. Only about maybe max of 20% of women will have an orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. I would say that’s a high number. It doesn’t make it any less special if she uses a vibrator or her fingers on her clitoris while you’re having sex.
Emily Porter: I think that a lot of men are threatened by that when they’re younger, and they can almost project that on the woman and make her feel bad, like, “What’s wrong with you? I’m not good enough for you?” Or, “Nobody else has ever complained before.” And then you end up with problems. So the fact that he’s secure enough with himself and with their relationship and his ability, and also just focused on their end goal, which is for them both to have an orgasm, that they can experiment and bring toys in and them not be a threat.
Emily Porter: And then they said, “So that’s about it from both of us. Let me know if you have any other questions or want any other details. One thing I didn’t mention, which is probably obvious, is I think it’s so important that women and men love themselves and the bodies they are in. I don’t think intimacy can truly be free until you love the skin you are in. We have both worked on that over the years and tried to look our best for each other, but more importantly, for ourselves. I’m one of the lucky women blessed with good genes and haven’t really had to fight my weight, but I still keep it in check. I’d love to eat chocolate all day, but I don’t. We’ve also worked at being active since we were in our 30s. Physical activity, I believe, also has a profound impact on how you feel about your body and your emotional welfare.”
Emily Porter: And I would agree. I know both of these people. They’re both physically fit. They do a lot of aerobic exercises and some strength training. There are definitely correlations between your aerobic ability, or rather your anaerobic threshold, and your sexual performance. So that’s why walking 21 to 25 miles a week for men and women, to prevent heart disease and to improve sexual function, is really important. The endorphins that are released from physical activity are important, too.
Emily Porter: I think it’s like 20 or 30 minutes of fairly moderate aerobic activity, that it actually increases a woman’s orgasm quite a bit, and she’ll have a better orgasm. That sounds like a quick shower or not, and some sex after that. So you might want to test out that theory and go for a walk or a jog together, send the kids away if you’ve got them, go for a walk or a jog together on vacation, and then hit the bedroom and see what happens.
Emily Porter: I hope that was helpful. Again, I’m really thankful to them for sharing their stories. If you have a story that you’d like to share with me, or you have a question that you have, I would love to hear it and help you out. Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org or reach out via our website, www.austinlovedoctor.com.
Charles Runels: Thank you for joining Dr. Emily Porter, the Austin Love Doctor. If you have a question about your relationship or sexuality, please feel free to contact her directly at austinlovedoctor.com.
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